Before I came to Uni I was a really busy girl, I had my weeks planned to the hour of where I should be and what I should be doing. Even though it got tiring I loved it! My life was active and I wasn't idle. My first year of uni stopped my active pace though. There was a lot of hanging around and wondering how to drift away the hours and avoid work. However, this year my life has picked up a lot. But somehow it's picked up speed by like 100 mph. There is so much I have to pack into a day and make sure I get done in a week that I don't think I've had Esther time by myself with no stresses or worries over my head since I got here. I'm getting so stressed and tired out that my body is starting to tell me off by being a pain - literally!
My first year of uni I hardly ever cried! I was beginning to wonder if I was some hard shell or something, but honestly I was just really happy most of the time. This year however I seem to cry like every other day. I feel like everyone is on my back telling me off or moaning or adding to my to do list. I'm quite a sensitive girl as well and all I want to do is show love to people and try and serve them. I'm worried that one day I will turn round to someone and flip out...I won't but there is potential.
I upset myself earlier though because after half a day of back pain I suddenly remembered to ask God to take it away. Why do I forget to ask him for help? I pray to God everyday but why isn't He my first thought when I really need him? Is it because I'm trying to fix everything myself in my life that I rarely think of asking others to help me? Which is why I forget to ask God?
Maybe that is why I'm stressed, I'm trying to take on all these responsibilities in my own strength but I have a hope in a God that will carry my burdens. Maybe this physical back pain I have today is God trying to show me that spiritually I am breaking my back. I'm trying to take on every load myself and I don't try to cut things out of my life to make it lighter.
I'm very blessed though to have such a Godly boyfriend. He is so full of Gods grace and love that I can experience God's love for me through him. You know when you're really tired and stressed and it's only the people who are nearest to you, and that you love, that you actually take it all out on. Not on purpose but because they allow you to feel so comfortable around them, all your emotions come out. Well that happened last night and every hurt and upset everyone else had loaded on me that day just all came out on Dave. He had done nothing wrong and I picked up on the tinest flaw and let it all out on him. His first reaction was confusion and shock but as soon as he realised why I was acting so irrationally he ignored all my abuse and just tried to hold me to keep me calm. He just held my hand and took all the abuse until I calmed down and afterwards he said, "I love you and will always be here to help you. Let me be on your side and allow me to help you." It is only now that I can see God speaking through those words, "...let me be on your side", that is what God is trying to say to me. He wants me to remember Him and to ask for His help and strength everyday.
I'm sorry Lord for not being the perfect daughter. Help me to remember you each day and to ask for your strength with everything I do. Thank you for this back pain and showing me the truth behind it and thank you for Dave and his love for me. Thank you for being the example we can follow to love and serve others. Help me do all this today, In Your Name. Amen.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Watching the rain fall
As I sit in the reasonably cosy house, I take in the senses of what is around me...
The hum of the boiler, the ticking of the clock,
the tapping on the laptop and the rain as it drops.
The dimmly lit room with the overscast of clouds,
makes the lonely sad house, duller than it sounds.
The newly peeled potatoes and the slowly dying flowers
roams and lingers round the house with a stenchful power.
All of a sudden I hear a scrapping at the door,
with keys in her hand my housemate falls to the floor.
Wet through and through she marches upstairs,
The rain that fell down got stuck in her hair.
The house remains still, sad and quiet,
the sound now left is the clock having a riot.
The hum of the boiler, the ticking of the clock,
the tapping on the laptop and the rain as it drops.
The dimmly lit room with the overscast of clouds,
makes the lonely sad house, duller than it sounds.
The newly peeled potatoes and the slowly dying flowers
roams and lingers round the house with a stenchful power.
All of a sudden I hear a scrapping at the door,
with keys in her hand my housemate falls to the floor.
Wet through and through she marches upstairs,
The rain that fell down got stuck in her hair.
The house remains still, sad and quiet,
the sound now left is the clock having a riot.
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